Moms Needed! Apply Below.

Looking for a bright, rewarding career as a mom? Please review the job description and requirements and apply below!

Job description: 24/7 nurturer, care giver, succorer, magician, playmate, disciplinary figure and educator

Minimum qualifications:

• Unlimited patience
• Unconditional love
• The ability to operate on minimal amounts of sleep. Always.
• A vast imagination
• Stamina against negative criticism and acceptance of positive criticism. 
• Food handling and nutrition qualifications
• Physical fitness, despite malnutrition and lack of traditional exercise
• Astute listening/interpretive skills, especially in foreign languages (ie toddler, baby and screeching)
• Knowledge in the proper procedure for the removal of bodily fluids (and feces) from all household items, as well as hair, skin and clothing
• Car seat mechanic
• Physical strength: must be able to lift and carry at least 50 (flailing) pounds several blocks
• Mediating
• Juggling
• Balancing
• Never-ending supply of positive reinforcements
• Ability to shower and prepare for the day in under 15 minutes
• Complete control over your own temper
• Excellent communication skills
• Excellent budgeting skills
• Empathy
• Forgiveness
• An excellent sense of humor
• Must be willing to work graveyards, weekends, holidays and on-call.

Additional skills desired:

• Singing, drawing and dancing
• Therapeutic massage
• Sewing
• Selective deafness
• Hypnosis
• Speech therapy
• Psychology
• Plumbing
• Intuition
• Martial arts/self defense
• Indifference to seeming higher qualifications of other moms
• Detective work
• Extra arms (and we don't mean weapons)

If this sounds like you, please send in your resume! All applicants will be asked to demonstrate a few of these skills in a small, enclosed space with an adrenaline-injected chimpanzee.