Midnight Ramble

Lying awake at night, I look over at my husband and see how easily he sleeps. Of course he sleeps easily; he's exhausted. Still, being a woman, there's something that keeps me awake even when I've had a long and challenging day: my ever-analyzing brain.

Facebook is an interesting concept. On it, I am "friends" with many people from my past with whom I would not normally interact otherwise. Seeing them and hearing about their day-to-day goings on paints an interesting picture for me. I envision my life as a many-branched tree. I start out on a path, which inevitably forks out in many different directions. The choices I've made have led me to where and who I am today. What is truly interesting though, is seeing the results of choices I almost made, or could have made, by looking at the lives of past friends and acquaintances.

When I was young I wanted to be a professional ballet dancer. Not like you or your little sister-- I was serious about it, and I gave it my all for a large chunk of my life. I was finally forced to drop out at age 16 because of a combination of illness and political drama at my studio. Looking back though, I see two or three examples of what my life could have been like had I stuck to it: one foot in the body-image obsessed world of ballet, and one foot tentatively in family life, trying to live the gospel.

This is just one example of the point I am trying to illustrate. I see so many others, stories of the life I could have lived and of experiences I could have had, whether I like them or not. I have two friends who are beauty queens-- pageant winners on national levels. I used to compete with them. I have one friend who committed suicide a couple years ago. One friend is in and out of jail and relationships alike, whereas another couldn't be more saintlike. One friend recently abandoned his religious beliefs to live an easier life. One friend got married young and has four children. One friend has a masters degree, whereas another is just starting college.

Looking back. it is so easy to see how a choice made here or there, led to one path or another. At one point or another, I was on the same path with each of these people and it is astonishing to see how differently they have each turned out.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that, living in a neighborhood, surrounded by people in my same situation, it's hard to see just how differently my life could have panned out. Looking back however, I see the paths I've taken and the road that's steered me to where I am today.

I'm not trying to say that I'm so perfect or that I've made all the right choices, by any means. I guess I'm just grateful to be where I am now. They say hind sight is 20/20, and I'm just learning how educational that really can be.

Live in the present, yes, but learn from the past.