Keeping Score

On one of my blogs (I know-- seriously, I have three) I recently reflected on the words of Elder Oaks. He spoke of what motivates us to serve, and how the most noble motive is love-- for the Savior or the recipient (it's all the same).

Often people serve out of sense of obligation, and although I believe that's not necessarily a bad thing, there are better reasons to serve. Sometimes we find ourselves in sticky situations. In said situations, there are often people who reach out to help us, if we let them (another blog for another day). When we receive that help or service, it's natural to want to return the favor.

Don't.

Serving out of a sense of obligation or indebtedness is hollow, and I'll tell you why. Service ought to originate from a sense of love. Although it is natural to want to pay someone back or return the favor, you shouldn't. This comes from a desire to be even with the person. Repaying someone for their kindness or generosity dispels the feelings of humility and in some cases, humiliation, and restores your pride, allowing you to go on feeling self-sufficient and independent. Simply stated, it's the easy way out.

If you truly want to repay someone for a gift they have given you, whether it be physical or not, love them. Get to know them better. Care about them, their life, their family, their job. Let their challenges become your concern, and their triumphs your happiness. And then, if you happen to feel like doing something for them, it will be for the right reason. Not to get even, not because they "deserve" it. But because you love them, and you want them to be happy.

Half-Full

It's almost noon. My kids are still in their pajamas. I am still in my pajamas. The baby is stuffed into the bouncy chair, all swaddled up and staring up at me like, "So are you gonna play with me today maybe?" My daughter is coloring in a magazine and singing loudly, some mash-up of "Give, Said the Little Stream" and "I Am a Child of God". My hair looks like that of a mental ward inpatient. Pretty sure I smell kind of like a yak. The living room is littered with a combination of children's books, junk mail and an odd assortment of socks. The bed isn't made, the laundry is waiting to be done and there are still some remnants of last night's dinner on the stove.

Looking around me, I feel overwhelmed with what I haven't done. But then I remember what I have done.

I made dinner last night. Enough for leftovers, in fact, so my husband can have a lunch today. I gave my baby a bath last night, and rubbed him down with Aquaphor so his itchy skin feels much better. I was up with both my kids during the night, tucking in their blankies and feeding my son. I was on my knees this morning, expressing my gratitude for another day with my beautiful kids, and asking for the sanity and energy to love them the way they deserve to be loved. I made some awesome oatmeal for breakfast that I shared with my little girl. I ate it, fed her and managed to pump 4 ounces of milk--at the same time. I sifted through health care providers online to find a dermatologist. Close by. Who is female. Found one and scheduled an appointment (daughter still singing loudly in the background), while juggling my baby boy and his pacifier. I played Hide and Seek with my little one, and helped her make a puzzle while her brother was sleeping. I talked to a friend who is having an even rougher morning than I am. I took a minute to re-discover snow with Zoey. I told my husband I love him, and kissed him before he went out the door. I didn't yell when my toddler woke up the baby for no apparent reason. I lit a nice-smelling candle. I opened the blinds upstairs and let the sunlight in. I cuddled my kids. Both of them! One at a time.

It's not even noon yet. I'm wiped out, and looking around (and in the mirror) I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. But I have. I'm a mom. I've chosen my priorities, and today my kids won. They are warm and full and happy. They are healthy and growing and learning. They know that I love them.

And they love me, smell and all.

The Love/Sin Paradigm

I like to use a lot of satire on here, and I joke about a lot of things. This is not one of those posts.

Earlier this month they Gay Pride Festival took place, and with it, the annual Gay Pride march. Last year some LDS people shocked the nation by joining in the march, literally embracing their gay or lesbian fellow-marchers. Comments came pouring in-- surprise, admiration, condemnation, uncertainty and skepticism were just a few of the themes. Many people didn't know what to think. "Aren't Mormons anti-gay?" "Who put them up to that?" etc. 

I have to admit, that this kind of reaction made me a bit sad. People think we hate homosexuals? They think we hate... anyone? 

The truth of the matter is that accepting people and loving them with Christlike love is one of the core doctrines of our belief. Indeed, we proclaim ourselves to be followers of Christ. He taught by both sermon and example that all mankind deserves love and kindness. He taught us to serve, love and treat our fellowman with goodness. At no point did He ever instruct us to condemn people, to demean them or to disrespect them in any way. Not once did He say, "Well, in the special case of such-and-such kinds of people (like Samaritans, who were widely hated by the Jews at the time), it's okay to do a little mud-slinging and snubbing, because they're different. They don't live the way we do." And we uphold that in our doctrine, in our teachings and as best we can, in practice. 

As in any religion, not all Mormons understand and practice their own doctrine 100%. In fact, I'd say none of us really do, or we'd be perfect. We go to church every week to be reminded of these important teachings and virtues, and then go out into the world, ready to try again to be a little better. When we slip up, we do what we can to make it right. 

So for years, I was baffled, wondering why anyone could say we hated anyone. Never, in my entire life of near-perfect church attendance did I hear a teacher, speaker or general authority admonish us to turn our backs on anyone, or treat them any less than the way we would like to be treated. 

Finally, I think I've figured out what the real problem is. The real rift comes in with the concept of identity. People all over the world, LDS and non-LDS alike fall into the trap of believing that you are what you do. In other words, people love labels. They may be a great cook, so they call themselves a cook. They might have a hard time waiting for things, so they label themselves "impatient". They may really love playing computer games, and are thus labeled, "gamer". People like to categorize themselves (and other people), and often feel that this act of labeling them makes them a part of something. That sense of belonging is comforting to people, and it often tells them how they should act, think or feel. 

The teachings of Jesus Christ, however, tell us that there are really only one kind of people: people. We are all spirit children of God, and as such we all need love, acceptance, repentance and forgiveness. All of us. We all sin, we all make mistakes, we all have the makings of wonderful, indeed perfect, people. The problem with labeling ourselves is that what we do is almost always temporary. Our behavior does not define us. Our choices, although they have much influence over who we may become, are not always a reflection of who we truly are. I believe that people are no more or less that the deepest, most earnest desires of their hearts, regardless of mental, physical and emotional weaknesses. I believe that most people, deep down, want to do what is right, and are therefore good people. Do good people do bad things? All the time. And that's why religion and the Savior exists-- to help those who want to be better do just that. 

Satan, the adversary, would have us believe that we are what we do, because then we will never move on from that. One of the most important principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is progression. Without it, we are, literally, condemned. (Think of a river being stopped in its progression downstream by a dam. Same concept.) Satan wants us to be comfortable with our behavior-- so much so that we feel it is who we are, and can never change. In fact, we don't want to change. Why change who you are? Just be yourself! These are the subtle types of messages he sends us. 

The Lord, on the other hand, invites everyone to repent (meaning change, progress, improve) and do all we can to become like Him. We are imperfect and prone to making mistakes. He is perfect and never errs. 

Now, the LDS church doesn't condemn people. But they do condemn certain behaviors. And this is where the misunderstanding takes place. We are taught that alcohol is bad for our bodies, but never are we told to hate and put down those who consume it. We are taught to keep the Sabbath day holy, but are never taught that we are worth less if we disobey. We are taught to live the law of chastity, which forbids sexual relationships to occur outside the bonds of marriage (which we believe can only exist between man and wife), but never, and in no way, are we taught to treat homosexual individuals with anything less than love and acceptance.

What many people fail to understand (and it makes me SO frustrated to see this) is that I can and do love people even though I don't love some of the things they do. Yes, it is possible to have full and unconditional love for someone who practices things I disagree with. It is the very gospel of Jesus Christ.

Even from the cross, as the Savior hung there dying, He spoke with love and forgiveness toward His executioners. Did He condone their behavior? No! Did He say, "Well, it's okay to beat and whip and crucify the Son of God, because I love you."? No. To the woman caught in adultery, did He say, "I accept what you're doing because I love you"? No, He forgave her and urged her to "sin no more" because He loved her. He loved the sinner, but (harshly, outright and without shame) condemned the sin. We are taught no differently. 

The Prophet and Apostles have been very outspoken and very bold in proclaiming sexual activity between anyone other than husband and wife to be immoral and unacceptable to God Himself. It is no matter of opinion. It is a matter of right and wrong. They have taken a lot of flack because of it, being called intolerant and closed-minded. We, as members of the Church have been called haters because of our beliefs. But please understand this: the Savior lived what He taught, and although He was kind to all, never once tolerated sin. He forgave when He felt that repentance was genuine, but never gave any place for people to continue sinning. Read the New Testament! It's all there. Yes, it is possible to truly love people (and treat them with kindness and respect) even though you do not embrace some of the choices they make. Jesus did it. Why shouldn't we?

Backalley Banshees Part II

Six months later, the saga continues.

When I last wrote about my noisy neighbors, it was winter, and the children were making themselves merry, banging the sidewalk with snow shovels and sliding down the lawn, screaming all the while. Now it's summer, and school is out.

My daughter is on a pretty set schedule. She takes a nap at 1pm every day, and as I'm nearing the end of pregnancy and need as much rest as I can get, I nap when she does.

Cue screaming.

As I said in my previous post about this, I get it: kids have fun. They play. They scream a bit. Not these kids. They scream as loudly and constantly as possible, leaving me to wonder at the stamina of their little vocal cords.

The last few times this has happened, I've gone outside, calmly talked to the children and told them they needed to be a little quieter. This usually worked for a couple weeks before the noise level started creeping back up. I've tried different approaches, from cool understanding lady to stern shut-the-heck-up-now woman. The only permanent thing I've accomplished is making the neighbor kids avert their eyes whenever I come outside and pretend I'm not there.

I've done a bit more observation and have come to realize that their parents seriously don't care what they do. There is a bank-owned house next to mine, and the kids have spent hours in the yard there, vandalizing it and trying to break in through the window well. I've told them off for that too, but what really astonishes me is that this, as well as the screaming, is all done even while the parents are outside, working on their car or cleaning out the garage, apparently oblivious to their children at all.

The last time my nap was short-changed due to a (I kid you not) 4 hour long screaming session, I decided it was time to escalate things and talk to the parents. I had been careful to be kind and neighborly to them, without seeming overly interested or like I was trying to get buddy-buddy with them in case this day ever came. The mom seems nice enough, but I was still unsure. I called a trusted neighbor whom I believed knows the woman and confided my issue to her, asking whether the woman was approachable and how she might react. She told me that normally, this woman is very kind and easy-going, but as far as her kids are concerned, very defensive. On this head she has made a few different "enemies" in the ward. She told me that the woman's parenting style was very "free-spirited", and that she believes in raising her kids in a minimal discipline environment.

Sigh.

Normally, I have no problem confronting people to work out issues we may have. But it seems that not only would she disagree with me in the first place that her kids should show a bit more consideration to those around them, but she would most likely throw me into the "enemies" pile and hate me for the rest of the time we're neighbors. Talking to them will probably do far more harm than good. Not exactly a solution.

So after talking it over with my hubby, we decided maybe it was better to try to deal with things on our own. I've started trying to take naps on the couch downstairs, as the window faces the opposite side of the house. Today, my nap was again interrupted by the screaming. Incredibly, they were loud enough in the back yard I could hear them clearly from the front.

I've just about had it, but it seems like I'm running out of options. I could use ear plugs, but then I wouldn't hear Zoey when she wakes up. At this point, I'm just not sure what else there is to do about it. These kids have no respect for adults or authority or the lives and possessions of other people. Their parents aren't much better. If I don't get more sleep soon, I may go berserk. The worst part is, I know this is just the beginning.

Easter

Easter is my very favorite holiday. It's not a common favorite, but it's mine. Is it because I love bunnies? Do I have a passion for hunting for plastic eggs hidden in the grass? Perhaps I just like eating ham and potatoes. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of any of these things. (Okay, I do love ham and potatoes, but that's beside the point.)

Easter is my favorite holiday because of its true meaning. Not this:

Or even this:

But this:

This is truly what Easter is all about. Indeed, what the Gospel of Jesus Christ is about.

We all know that holidays are becoming more and more commercialized. Most of us realize that Easter is not about the candy and the bunnies, although these things are nice. What most Christians fail to see, however, is that Easter isn't even about the death of our Savior. So much focus is placed on the laying down of His life for us. And while this is a true and good thing, the point is not that He died for us; it is that He lives. The son of God descended below all things that He might triumph over all. And this, so that we might also overcome anything and everything that is difficult about life. Because of Him-- through Him, we can overcome death, sin, pain, and any other difficulty we may experience as part of life. 

Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God. He paved the way for us toward immortality and eternal life, and for that I am unspeakably grateful. 

As you eat your chocolate bunnies and enjoy the company of your families this holiday, remember Him and what He has done for you-- not the dying part, but the overcoming part. This is where true happiness lies.

Happy Easter.

Dani

Write Right...ly

Lately I've been in the market for a new stroller. I want one that I can put both my kids in without having to buy a new car seat too. I'm very picky and very stingy. So, knowing that it might take me months to find exactly what I want, at  price I can afford, I started looking when I was only about 3 months pregnant.

By far, the best deals I've found are on KSL. I love shopping on KSL. I love selling there too, knowing that I can get a little cash for something instead of taking it to DI. I like being able to do that for other people too, and know that I can pay less than half the cost for a lot of things, second-hand.

I'm no marketing expert, but some people's ads make me cringe.

Last summer when Gavin and I used to go yard "sailing", we found that a lot of people would post on KSL when they were having one and what kinds of things would be for sale. It was way better than driving around and hoping to find good ones at random. Several times I came across an ad that would look something like this:

"yard sell 2morrrow moving 2 idaho 4 job change have alot of stuff need to sell asap come by & check it out"

Seriously? Did you actually want anyone to come? How are we supposed to know when or where it is? Why do we care where you've moving or why? Ever heard of punctuation? Spell check? No? Okay well I guess you weren't serious about actually selling anything.

So today I went online to see what kind of strollers had popped up over the week. Up to this point, I had found a favorite and was just waiting for the right price. They usually sell (used) for around $200. Ouch. But every once in a while one comes out of the woodwork and if you jump on it you can get it for a great deal. So today, I'm looking through the double strollers and come across this ad:

"Double Stroller
We bought this stroller one year ago so we don't need the double anymore. Good conditions no tears or holes. call or Text Ok 120.00 obo"
followed by a grainy picture taken by a phone and posted sideways.

Sigh

So I text the person listed as the seller and say, "What model is your stroller on KSL?
Seller: What do u mean?
Me: Who makes it? (And just to be extra clear,) What is the name on the side of the stroller? (I can see something printed on the side but can't make it out in the photo.) 
Seller: Graco
Okay, that's a start...
Me: Okay, but you don't know what model of Graco it is? It should say on it somewhere.
Seller: Let me check
Seller: 2007
*facepalm
Seller: 7b11cad3
(Now I'm starting to laugh. They can't be serious! So then I do a bit of research, find out what models of double strollers Graco sold in 2007 and come up with three.)
Me: Is it a DuoGlider, Ready 2 Grow or Quattro Tour?
(Long pause, during which I blow up the grainy sideways picture and try to decipher what it says)
Me: Looks like maybe a DuoGlider? Do you know if that's right?
Seller: Yes is duo glider
(These sell for $40-$80 on KSL, so I am no longer interested.)
Me: K, good to know. I'd include that on your ad if I were you. Thanks for checking.
No response.

Wow. Good luck with that.

Some of you think it's funny or annoying that I put so much stock in using proper writing skills. This is part of the reason why. When your writing makes you look like a fourth grade drop-out, NO ONE WILL TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. This is most applicable to resumes. Don't even get me started on resumes. To quote my dad, "This resume says to me, 'Please don't hire me. I don't want a job.'"and that's putting it nicely. Same to the seller on KSL. "Please don't buy my stroller! I just posted it for fun."

Learn to write. On Facebook, when you're at your leisure, fine. Use dumb acronyms for everything and spell things horrendously. Say "alot" when you mean "a lot, and "awe" when you mean "Aww", and "your" when you mean "you're", etc. I'll cringe, but no one that matters will really care (unless your boss frequents your page). But when you sell something, sell it! If you want to be taken seriously in an ad, a resume or any public forum, write properly, or don't be surprised when you don't get the offer you wanted.

Backalley Banshees

It's time for a good, old-fashioned rant.

So my husband and I recently bought a house in an HOA. While not a fan of the HOA itself, we agree with most of the rules set in place, and at the very least the reasoning behind them. We try to follow them pretty closely, and stay under the radar. 

One of the biggest emphases in the agreement is the attention given to noise control. Especially in the early morning and late at night, they expect people to be quiet. I get that. People sleep when the sun is down. I've gotten pretty used to how nice it is when the neighborhood gets quiet at night. I sleep better, and heaven knows we could all use that.

Until recently.

We share a back alleyway with four families, and our bedroom window faces that alleyway. It's where people's garage doors are and the garbage is collected. Noise in the alleyway echos off the back walls of the houses and amplifies it just a bit.

There is a family to whom, up till recently I hadn't given any special attention. But that all started to change when one week, inexplicably the early morning silence was shattered by the sounds of screaming children. I'm not talking about the playful sporadic kinds of screaming that I associate with play. I'm talking about the kind you expect to hear in an ER when a child's limb has been ripped off, or the kind that might occur when a child is in danger of being kidnapped by a child molester.

Every morning. Every single morning. 

And then it started to happen in the afternoons too. I always know when the kids are home from school because the screaming matches have begun. Funny how that's also the same time I put my daughter down for a nap and try to catch a few Zs myself, as I'm growing another human being. Hilarious.

Today when the screaming began, I went to the window to make sure it was the people I was thinking (so that maybe I could talk to the parents or something) and maybe figure out what all the fuss was about. The little girl who was screaming at the top of her lungs that her brother was a "poo face" was holding a snow shovel. I thought of going down to talk to the kids, but then I realized that all I was imagining myself doing once I got there was taking that snow shovel and whacking her over the head with it. Maybe not such a good idea. 

But all this got me thinking. Don't their parents know? Can't they hear it too? Don't they realize how annoying this is? Are they even home? And then, where do the kids get it from? I know I may not be able to relate entirely with having kids of that age (around 8 and 10), but I have kids. I've taken care of lots of kids. And one thing I know for certain is that they need boundaries. Not just for the convenience of momentary good behavior, but also for their psychological health. They want to know where the boundaries are, and they will push and push until they find that wall. When kids don't get the boundaries they need, consistently, they spiral out of control. And that is when the kids take charge of the parents. The parents become slaves to their own kids' tanrums, never knowing how to get them back under control, never knowing how they lost control to begin with. (Obviously I'm not talking about the kid in the grocery store who randomly bursts out because he doesn't get a treat, or the one in the restaurant who bangs her knee and starts to scream. I have all patience for those situations because they happen to everyone. But seriously, not everyone's kids scream their heads off twice a day for half an hour at a time.)

Parents, be the parents. Love your kids enough to say "no". Be strong and consistent with them, and your life will be a lot happier. And your neighbor probably won't go berzerk on them (or you) one day.